im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
