dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
