you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Randomize
