i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
