pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
Randomize
