My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
Randomize
