pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
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