It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
Randomize
