I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
3pm strippers are depressing
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
Randomize
