well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I smell like Dick and happiness
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Randomize
