Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
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