Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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