I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Randomize
