Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
