my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
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