What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
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