dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
We left an ass print on the piano.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
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