god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize