I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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