New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
