you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
