Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize
