Ambien. No doubt about it.
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
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