So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
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