oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
