He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
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