i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
