I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
