PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
