whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
He literally asked permission to hit on me
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