My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
soo... how was my night?
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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