So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
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