she is unbelievable! ever pee on a girl?
not while she was awake
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize