Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
