fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
i just made my gag reflex go away.
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
it's like heaven, but drunker
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize
