don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
