Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
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