I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
She stuck a Big Gulp bend-y straw up his ass to see if he could handle anal.
Ew, and?!
Well he couldn't and the deal was he had to drink something using it afterwards.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
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