A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Randomize
