I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
If you can't do the LSAT hung over. You can't do the LSAT. That's the real practice.
NASCAR RACE 2010 NO REGRETZZZ!!!
It is literally 8 in the morning.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
They took my balls.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
