Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
Found the puke drawer
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
We were destined to go to rehab together
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
Randomize
