A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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