I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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