just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
Randomize
