yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
