I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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