seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Randomize
