Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
Randomize
