I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
Randomize
