I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
