haha it's okay then, bc he only killed a canadian, they're not real people
No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
That's how twitter works, right?
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Randomize
