I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
