I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
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