My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
Randomize
