we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
