need another drink. this is the easiest way
Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
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