you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I'm bringing poparts in case anyone gets hungry. The trek to frat row is strenuous.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
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