i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
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