I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
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