My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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