Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
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