remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Drunk is not a location!
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
