im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
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