today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Randomize