I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Randomize
