my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
Randomize
