How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
Randomize
